Unemployment Benefits

Aside from the money-thing, there actually are a few advantages to being unemployed.

It’s been five months now that I have been without a job.

I wasn’t fired. I wasn’t down-sized. I quit, as in walked away. Call it “creative-differences.” Call it burned-out. Lately, I’ve been calling it crazy.

Hey-Being unemployed is no laughing matter. Nobody wants to go to bed tonight wondering how on Earth they are going to provide tomorrow. It takes a toll on your mind, body, and soul.

But as the job search slowly lumbers on and the nasty voices in my head become louder, I have to admit there are moments when it does become…comical.

For all of the downside to being unemployed, here, from where I stand, is a bit of the upside:

-I haven’t been in a major argument with a human in the last five months.

Aside from my wife (who doesn’t count, yet I am now convinced the only reason our marriage has lasted as long as it has is the fact we’ve been able to count on being absent from each other’s sight eight to ten hours daily) this is a major accomplishment. After dealing with customers, employees, fellow peers, upper management, and homo sapiens in general for the last 28 years of my gainfully employed life, it is refreshing to actually hold a normal conversation with someone. I can say whatever I want, walk away whenever I’m ready, and there’s not a thing anybody can do about it. I know my Xanadu won’t last forever, but I’m gonna soak it up while I can.

-I don’t get sick anymore

Back to the customers, employees, fellow peers…Every one of them were filthy beasts put on Earth to give me the flu each winter. If not the flu, a virus. If not a virus, bronchitis. If not bronchitis, a nervous breakdown.

Currently, I am as healthy as a horse. Which is good, because I have no health insurance, which is bad, because I’m one good leg-break away from the glue factory.

-No more Conference Calls

Superman has his Kryptonite. Dracula has daylight and garlic. I have conference calls.

Upon reflection, this may be the real reason I quit.

I understand the value of conference calls. It allows everyone to get together when logistically it is impractical to get everyone together. I concede it does cut down on the spread of the flu, viruses, and bronchitis, but does nothing to prevent nervous breakdowns.

Someone ought to write an article called “The Art of the Conference Call.” Maybe a college course in business school or a seminar. I can think of several former bosses who would be first in line to attend, as long as it was conducted through conference call.

-I found out just how long and gray my beard can get.

I think every man wonders this at some point in his life. Quit your job and find out. It’s almost worth it.

-Bob Villa ain’t got nothin’ on me

I am now the master of home-improvement projects. Our house has never looked better. I only wear flannel shirts and constantly have a pencil behind my ear. I carry a tape measure everywhere I go and look for any excuse to measure things.

220, 221. Whatever it takes.

Last week, I added a second story to our mailbox.

Tomorrow, I’m building a treehouse for the dogs.

Next week, if I still haven’t found a job, I’m planning on turning an unused half-bath into a library/walk in closet/man cave. The wife will be so proud.

-You didn’t hear this from me, but Twitter is evil

Working a job 50 hours a week just didn’t fit in with my social media lifestyle, so I had to make some changes. Thankfully, I’ve had plenty of time lately to sit around and discover everything I was missing.

Facebook used to be something I could hop on to now and again and catch up with all my old pals. Now, I find myself wanting to have deep, in depth discussions with them. Inexplicably, politics is now important to me. Alabama or Ohio State is now a matter of life or death. Which is fine I guess, except most of my friends still have jobs and the discussions are pretty one-sided.

I liked Twitter because it really was a nice format to obtain the snippets of news I needed from the sources I trusted and it only cost me a few minutes daily. Then I became unemployed, and quickly found myself being lowered into a steaming cauldron of bitter-bile stirred ‘round the clock by Satan himself. Who knew?

Remember when I said I haven’t had an argument with a real person in five months? Yea, well, Twitter doesn’t count.

Twitter is the $9.99 all you can eat buffet that walking into makes so much sense, but walking out of makes you feel like a middle-aged hooker wondering where life went wrong.

Twitter’s not all bad I guess. It does allow me to stay very up to date on all things Presidential.

Which reminds me: I really need to find a new job.

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